race against the sun
by Proktes
Summary: After he comes close to dying again, she decides she doesn't want to wait anymore. She's afraid of what morning will bring, but the night is long...


The city slowly falls asleep around them as they wander through the streets without any direction. It's late, unforgivingly so, and they would've parted ways hours ago, but thankfully he couldn't ignore the silent plea in her eyes, so of course he stayed. Like always.

It's only been hours since their last life-threatening moment, well his at least. As they were driving away from the suspect's apartment, he decided to ram full speed into them. She's still not sure what his plan was, but at that moment it didn't really matter. He hit Castle's side, and while she got out with minor scratches, he was knocked unconscious. The sight of him sitting there with his head tilted to the side, while blood dripped down his cheek terrified her more than she'd ever though it would. Even though it was later clarified that he was okay, and he only got a slight concussion she could still feel the grip of fear around her heart. So when he claimed that he would be heading home now, she couldn't stand the idea of leaving his side.

So here they are, a couple hours later. They haven't said anything for a while, but with him it's not that anxious, irritating silence, more like a calm, understanding one. As the chill of the night seeps into her bones after finding its way through the not-nearly-enough layers, she shivers involuntarily, her body slightly trembling. As usual he picks up on it immediately, never missing a single twitch when it's about her reactions. She found it creepy at first, the silent stare, but now, after four years she's actually pretty thankful that he can read her so easily. Well, thankful most of the time. Right now for example, as he wraps his own coat around her frame, and the distant scent of his cologne, and even his unique one lingers in the air, comforting her in a way that she just recently noticed.

"Thanks, Castle"

Her voice is low and calm, but somehow she still feels like there are more emotions mixed in it, than she wanted to let flow. He simply nods while offering her a smile. Before she even thinks about it her tired mind and body acts on its own, betraying everything she has tried so hard in the last few months to keep away from, dropping her head on his shoulder, and wrapping her arm around his. For a moment she doesn't react, lets herself enjoy the moment, painfully obvious of his questioning gaze. Still, her previous thoughts are not forgotten, and she sighs, lifts her head away from him, her arm sliding away, cursing herself for being so weak, because she's already missing the feeling.

"If you're too tired to walk we could just catch a cab."

He misreads her action of course, but she can easily understand that. So she shakes her head, and brusher her fingers against his, suggesting that they just keep walking.

She wishes it was easier. After their conversation on the swings they grew closer than ever, while the scars of the summer healed slowly. And now the urge to just jump into it is almost overwhelming sometimes, and in those moments of weakness she has to remind herself why they are waiting. Why he is waiting. For her.

She shudders at the thought, and yet again it doesn't go unnoticed, not like it was difficult with her so close to him. He picks up the pace a little, to get her home quicker, while his hand snakes around her shoulder, pulling her body closer to his.

In a couple of minutes they are standing in front of her building, and as she looks up at him, her heartbeat quickens. His face is almost glowing in the dim light, his eyes fixed on her, and his gaze is so soft, those cerulean eyes filled with so much more than he ever lets out. He watches her watch him, neither of them wants to break this fragile connection, but as his eyes flicker down to her lips, something inside her snaps.

It's like when a dam breaks, her carefully hidden emotions all flood her at once, and it's too much. Suddenly she's all too aware of his soft gaze, and as the rest of the day catches up to her, she feels a couple tears roll out of her eyes.

Again, her body reacts on instinct, and her arms are wrapped around him in a second, her body crashing against his. He stiffens for a moment, but as she starts sobbing his arms come up to embrace her, his hand caressing her back. She knows that her tears are soaking through his shirt, but it seems like he doesn't care as he gently soothes her.

"It's okay. I'm here. I'm fine."

He knows what's on her mind, at least he thinks he does, but only she knows the true reason behind her breakdown. Yes, the thought of losing him terrified her to no end, but the moment she realized that she might have waited too long, that she'll never have the chance was the most eye-opening moment.

So right here, with her face buried against him, and right now, in this moment she reevaluates everything they have, everything she wants to have. And the realization hits her like a brick that she doesn't want to wait anymore. She's tired of waiting. And if she is then she can imagine that he's had more than enough of it too.

This new idea is so overwhelming that her sobs slowly stop, her tight hold on him never easing though. She pulls away only a little, so she's able to look at his face, and as she takes in the worry etched into his expression her determination only grows to make things right. She's finally ready. And all it took was another life-threatening moment to realize that. Sure, she would continue to see her therapist, but she craves to fulfill the undying connection between them.

As her hand comes up to caress his cheek their eyes connect, and she finds herself unable to tear her gaze away, those blue eyes piercing through her walls, seeing all of her. No one except him has been able to do that. He's the only one who sees everything there is, knows most of her. And he called her extraordinary. Not her looks, not her brain, all of her.

The hand that was caressing his cheek lands on his neck, and she pulls his head down, closer, and her eyes close before they connect. It's so gentle, his lips slowly drifting against hers, her mind is blank, the only thing left is to feel. And so she does.

The world seems to stop around them, or even if it doesn't it makes no difference, as her only thought at the moment is how right it feels to just kiss him, to let those feelings out, and so she deepens the kiss, her tongue demanding entrance. Judging by his reaction he likes it, and then he's kissing back with just as much passion. Although everything else is forgotten they can't ignore the need for oxygen, and they break apart after a minute. She still hasn't let go of him, and she doesn't plan on it.

His breathing is a little quick, but she knows hers is just the same, her heart beating oh so fast. As she looks up at him she catches the wide grin that spreads across his face, and she blushes. His eyes are burning with something more now, and she's pretty sure that happiness, desire and lust swirl around there, creating that unique and stunning shade of darker blue. But there's also something she can't really identify, and she's lost in them again.

"Don't go."

Her voice is strange to her own ears too, the quiet whisper coming out without really thinking. Did she just really say that? Well, she let her emotions and instincts guide her tonight, and it's been working out pretty well so far. Screw it, if something happens, surely it happens for a reason.

His smile slowly fades, and the concern that takes its place is almost too sweet.

"Are you sure? I don't…"

"Yes, Rick." She interrupts him before he makes her second guess her decision. His face softens at the use of his first name, and she's thankful that she managed to reassure him, because a shy smile is playing on his lips again.

She grabs his hand, intertwining their fingers, and pulls him towards the door. Silence wraps around them as they stand in the elevator, both just staring at each other, and their eyes drop to their hands occasionally. The tension is almost unbearable, sparks bouncing around them in the closed space, and when the doors finally open he almost runs out, tugging her with him.

He loses all of his patience when they get to her door, and as she struggles to get the key into the lock his lips drift down her neck, kissing every spot. She shivers at his ministrations, and as soon as she manages to open the door they are inside. She turns on him, slamming the door shut as she backs him into it.

All those heated moments and verbal foreplay lead them to this moment, and her blood boils as she claims his lips again. His hands are everywhere all at once, and hers are just as eager to finally explore. She tugs at his shirt, but she's not in a patient mood right now, so she tears it apart, buttons flying around the room. She pulls his pants down too, leaving him in only his boxers. Her hands are back on him immediately, gliding on his bare skin at last. One stops on his chest, and the fast rhythm of his heart reassures her that he's still here, alive as ever. And as she looks into his eyes she knows he can read her thoughts. His face softens, and he gently kisses her forehead.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm here. Always."

She feels the tears in the corner of her eyes, but it's not the right time to be slow, she doesn't need slow right now. Immediately her lips find his again, needy and desperate, and things escalate again.

He seems just as ready to undress her, and soon she's standing in only her underwear, her legs trembling slightly. As his hungry eyes roam over her body, taking in every little detail she feels her skin heat up from his intense gaze, and she pulls him towards her bedroom.

They stumble through the door, hands and mouths everywhere, exploring and mapping every inch of skin. As her knees hit the bed she doesn't think twice before she drops herself, dragging his body over hers. Their lips never stop, only growing more frantic, and suddenly those thin layers separating them seem all too much.

He breaks the kiss and pulls away, which evokes a small moan as she chases after his mouth, her back arching, her whole body gravitating towards him. She opens her eyes to meet his, and he seems hesitant for a second, but as their eyes connect he reacts immediately.

With a sudden move he discards her bra, and as long as he lives he'll never forget the sound she makes as his mouth trails down from her neck to her chest. She feels him pause at her scar, and for a moment she's terrified that he'll stop, but then she feels him trace over it oh so gently. Emotions explode within her, and as he kisses it with so much love, she lets the tears roll down in silence.

Just as quickly as the tenderness overcame him, the heat returns with full force, crashing down over him. His lips wander over to her breasts, and he sucks on her nipple, while his hand caresses her other breast. She moans at the sudden move, her hand finding its way to his head, combing through his hair.

Another breathy moan leaves her lips as he bites down, and she's pretty sure that she's pulling his hair with painful force now, but oh, she doesn't care, not when it's so good. He switches his focus to the other hardened peak for a minute, but stops when her hand snakes down and grips him through his boxers.

"I need you. Right now."

He grins at her, that smug bastard, but it's gone in a second, replaced with that tender expression that has his awe, his adoration and love clearly written all over his face. The second his body rises she misses his heat, but by the time his boxers hit the floor he's already pressed against her. He quickly removes her panties too, the last layer separating them finally torn away.

He presses against her in just the right way, and when he breaks the kiss she knows what's coming, so she pulls him back.

"I'm on the pill. Don't stop." Her voice is shaking, her breathing ragged.

The feeling is so overwhelming, skin on skin, the way heat radiates off him, and she reaches down, unable to wait any longer, and guides him inside her. They both moan at being finally connected, and fuck, why did she wait so long with this.

It's quick and it's hot, their lips devouring each other, oxygen forgotten, never needed, the desire too strong to stop even for a second. With a sudden move she flips them, but he doesn't seem to care, his hands now gripping her hips as she rises and falls over him. Her hair falls around their heads, as if closing out the world, securing them in their own reality, where only they exist to love, to pleasure each other and every moment is sacred in which they are connected.

He feels her getting closer, her wet heat like a vice around him and one of his hands wander down, reaching to where they are joined to find that little nub while his lips suck on her neck, her head tilted to give him more access. If he was able to form a coherent thought he would probably laugh at how she'd kill him for marking her.

She rides him for another minute, trying to hold on, but every nerve in her body is overloading with pleasure, and then everything explodes in a white-hot bliss. He never slows down, and as he moves it only prolongs her high. With a groan he follows her over the edge as well, and he drops back on the bed, every cell of energy drained out of his body. She collapses on top of him, her hand mindlessly drawing patterns on his chest.

They stay like that for a while, their breathing slowly returning to normal, his hand gently caressing her back.

"That was…" She lifts her head a bit so she can look at his face, catching him grinning.

"Yeah, it was." There are no words in existence to even try to explain how beautiful and extraordinary her laugh is in this post-coital, tired state, and he knows as long as he lives he'll yearn to hear it again.

"I love you." It slips out, or maybe it doesn't because that's all that he could think about in the last couple of hours, and he needed to say it.

She doesn't react, but the glow in her eyes speaks volumes, and he's pretty sure that a tear just rolled out from the corner of her eye.

"I know" He's smiling, because at first he thought he had screwed up, saying too much yet again.  
"I mean, I knew." As he registers her sad smile his own slowly fades, the gears in his head going into overdrive trying to figure out what she means.

"Rick, I remember." Time seems to stop as she waits for him to react. Then her worst fear seems to come true as his whole body stiffens, his arms dropping away from her back. She closes her eyes, bracing herself for the inevitable consequences, and if she wasn't so sad she'd care about the tears that are streaming down her face now, dropping down onto his chest.

"Why?" The words freeze her heart in a cold terror, his voice distant and so terribly hurt. Her eyes fly open, and she wishes she kept them shut when she glances at his face. She doesn't think that she has ever seen a more heartbroken expression, and that means something coming from a homicide detective. He doesn't push her away though, and so that tiny fragment of hope still flickers inside.

"I… I wasn't ready. And I wanted to be better, I wanted to heal. I wanted to put myself together. For you. I want to be with you, Rick." Her voice is still wavering, as she tries to control her sobbing. For a fraction of a second some emotion runs through his face, but he quickly hides it away.

"You could have told me. I would've waited. Hell, I've been waiting anyway." As the whole thing sinks in his anger rises, but it's still suppressed by the cold void of betrayal. He thought they had something, and she couldn't trust him enough to talk about it?

"I'm so sorry. Rick, I'm so sorry." Even if he'll leave, he has a right to now. Especially now. Her only hope is that they, the she can still fix this. "I'm still going to therapy. And recently all we talk about is you."

His face softens a little at that, obviously surprised, but seemingly he understands a little more now.

"I want to be with you, but I still have these… These walls, and I'm trying so hard, but…" She cant finish the sentence as the crying takes over, and her heart almost stops when his hands wrap around her, holding her against him.

"Kate, I love you. I still don't understand why you lied. You have those walls, and even if you're broken I still love you. I just wish we were better at saying what we think."

"So you don't hate me?" The question bounces around the room, barely there. She finally manages to stop the tears, and when his eyes connect with hers he stops breathing. Hope radiates off her whole being, body tense as she waits for him to answer.

"I'm disappointed, hurt even, but I could never hate you. I love you." With every word she relaxes into him, and when she gives him a watery smile he knows that everything he said is true.

The way she pushes herself up suggests that she might leave, but he finds out the real intention when she kisses him. It's gentle, tentative and all he ever wanted. Of course he loves the heated, needy ones they share, but the slow ones mean so much more.

"I…" She starts hesitantly, but stops herself, biting her lip the way that drives him crazy while she thinks. "I do too. I… I mean I…" He interrupts her, gently placing a finger on her lips.

"You don't have to. I know. Tell me when you're ready." The sensation of warmth spreads through her body like wildfire, because how can someone be this wonderful, understanding, caring, selfless, and…

Another kiss catches him by surprise, not that he minds, and their hands are gliding everywhere, like it was their mission to map every inch, find every unexplored territory.

This time around he is the one who flips them, his weight pressing her into the soft mattress, and it feels so right, so good, his heat enveloping her, comforting her. Their lips slow down as well, but their hands never stop their movement. Tension builds between them, and electricity runs through their bodies, setting their blood on fire.

Their second time is slower, and as he pushes into her gently she finally realizes why it's called making love. The emotions flowing through her make it that much more intense, like her whole body is just a temple of pleasure as their hips move on their own accord. She peppers small kisses on his jaw, moaning loudly a couple times when he hits that special spot.

Their eyes meet again, and after that neither seems able to tear their gaze apart, afraid that even a blink will cut whatever this is short. Words are not needed, not when everything they could say and more is clearly shining through their eyes.

She can tell that he is close from the way his movement grows sloppier, but she's not so far behind, and when he reaches his high and releases into her it's more than enough to send her flying over the edge as well.

He falls down beside her, and she inches closer, burying her head between his head and his shoulder.

It's too good. Being so close to him, with his arms around her is truly amazing and she's so glad that she finally did this. After lying motionless for a couple of minutes she's moving again, her mouth dropping kisses everywhere.

Even after the first two rounds she feels energized, her body still buzzing after everything that's happened that day. Sleeping is the last thing on her mind. And like in most other cases he can sense her mood, figure out what she is thinking almost too easily.

She just needs him tonight. Scared of what it will be like when a new day starts, afraid that all of this is just a dream. Because if it is she's going to make this last as long as possible, and she's going to enjoy every single minute of it.

* * *

Sometime after the third round he dozes off, but she doesn't want to sleep. Totally content with lying next to him, in his tight embrace as she watches him dreaming of something nice. And when the first rays of the sun finally find their way through the blinds, illuminating the room and him in a dim glow, she lets out a sigh.

It's going to be different. But in a good way. And although her fears from the start of the night didn't disappear completely, some of them definitely vanished with each whispered promise and ray of sunlight that lit up the room.

She's not sure how long she lies there in his arms, but at some point she feels ready to start the day, and with it something new, something better together. They'll talk through everything. Peeling his arm away she slips out, and picks up his shirt, quickly putting it on. After everything, she doesn't feel too tired, but even so she feels the consequences of staying awake all night. Coffee. She needs coffee right now.

* * *

Just before she reaches the door she hears the sheets rustling, and as she steps into the room with the two steaming mugs a wide smile spreads across his face.

"So it wasn't a dream." She chuckles, her own smile just as radiant, because how could she be anything else than happy right now?

"No, you definitely weren't dreaming…"

* * *

 **A/N:** Soooo, yeah... :) This is my first M-rated story, and I would really appreciate your feedback on how I did. As always thank you for reading, and if you enjoyed it please review. I love reading your thoughts!


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